Disclainmer: I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, nor do I really care for internet points. I'm sharing this because it's my honest experience and struggle. I would also like to place a trigger warning, as I will be mentioning depression and other related topics such as abuse and self harm.
Okay, so I'm not going to go too into detail about my childhood because I've explained it in detail on Reddit before. But I was born to an abusive, alcoholic woman and a trucker dad who was gone 5 days a week. My mom didn't cook us dinner so my siblings and I made our own dinner usually a bean and cheeser burrito, or Mac and cheese. For lunch or was always a damn ham and cheese sandwich with mustard. I honestly can't stand mustard or ham anymore. And for breakfast 2 poptarts each(keep in mind I was 7 and didn't need that many calories) I started to gain weight, but didn't notice. It also should be noted that my siblings and neighbors bullied me and I didn't do any activity because I lived out of town isolated in my neighborhood where everyone hated me. Fun! Eventually my mom was arrested when I was 9 and my family moved out of my childhood home into a condo in town. I continued to gain weight until I was 164.3 lbs at the age of 14. I'm currently nearing 15 and am about 16 lbs down, but still overweight. Being overweight is awful. You don't feel human and self hatred sets in quickly. Mix that with the depression caused by years of abuse and bullying, and add a dash of toxic friend and middle school drama and you get...... Drumroll please.......me you get me. I've struggled with sled harm and the aftermath of various cuts and scrapes still littler my arms and thighs where no one can see. I know many of you will say tell someone or get help, but unfortunately that's not an option for me. You see I love my dad, but he's old-fashioned. He doesn't really take mental illness seriously and he once said that suicide is the lazy way out(no that's not a joke) I know he will tell me I'm just trying to get attention or I'm being a dramatic teen. So, over all I'm on my own and have been since I was six. So, I'm looking to Reddit for a little advice and maybe some support while just getting this off my chest. Being fat fucks with you, especially when your in highschool. The hostility and judgement thrown towards fat people on first glance is honestly horrendous. People judge me on the street when they don't know my story. Those disgusted glances and stares from people who just want to believe your lazy. You learn to hate yourself more than society, and food is a temporary comfort. It's honestly a drug, but it's a drug we need to survive. The people around me are toxic and even some who know my story and past judge me unfairly. Once a girl told me I was lucky after reading A Child Called It, which is a book written by a boy who was terrabley abused by his mother. Yes, my abuse was not this severe, but it still scars me and no one should experience it, so no I'm not lucky Lydia!
This has been my Ted Talk.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2yLT5Cz
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