Trigger warning- talks of suicide
So, not sure what changed, other than me absolutely hating my body and how much I weigh, but I decided to calorie count yesterday. For the first time in so long, I managed to eat around 1200 calories and go to the gym. I probably ate around half or less than half of what I usually eat and I was so hungry, but I didn’t over indulge, just ate what I wanted but in smaller portions and made sure to keep the calories in check.
Last night I finally realized why I kept binging and why I could never stick to a diet. Thoughts of wanting to die and suicide popped up in my head. All of my problems over the past few months came back slowly throughout the night, and the longer I didn’t stuff my face, the more they came. I stayed up until 4 am, I didn’t binge, but I did grab a few bits of cinnamon cereal to satiate that craving.
I felt so insecure, and naked. I hate being the fat girl at work and I hate how I can really see/ feel the difference. It’s hard for me to move around in smaller spots, I constantly have to say excuse me because I will not fit in the back of the kitchen. (I am a waitress).
Feelings of being different and feeling like an outcast really hit hard. But because I’ve been binging, it didn’t bother me as much. I just ate a lot of food on my breaks, binged as soon as I got off work, ate like crap before work. It’s just all coming to a head.
Binge eating has been the tool to shove down and numb any negative or bad thoughts, feelings, and frustrations.
Not that I don’t have it, I’m so scared and confused. I have no idea what I want anymore and I feel so guilty.
I got a terrible headache today probably from being “hungry” (I ate a cup of pasta and some coffee)
Anyway, I’m rambling a little, but it’s hard to know to that all this negative stuff has been brewing inside and the only way to fix it and to get healthy is to deal with it. I’m really scared, but just from watching calories and exercising my bloating has gone down considerably so my body is definitely trying to tell me something.
I really hope I can last
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