(forgive me, I couldn't help myself)
2004 - 2018: I stopped eating refined sugar
Sept 2018: I decided to hop on board the sugar train again
Sept 2019: After a year of debauchery, I have a new perspective and that's what this post is about.
After not eating refined sugar for 14 years, the motivations for doing so had long since faded and it was just...something I did. It was mundane. Eating like this didn't have any magical effects. I've been light/heavy eating this way (though initially, I did see a bit of a weight drop). The last few years I've had medical issues keeping me from moving my body. That's given me a lot of time to reflect on my motivations behind why I do what I do, and this is what I've learned:
1) "Donut Land" is pretty great
What I mean by that is, after I started letting myself eat sugar again after 14 years, I wanted to try everything. I mean...EVERYTHING. I had actually forgotten what things tasted like. Many things were disappointing (like Skittles, my favorite candy growing up... I hate them now /sadface). Most things absolutely blew my mind, though. After so long of not being able to do something, I reveled in the freedom. Donut land for me was quite magical -- donuts were my thing. It felt amazing/fantastic.
2) "Donut Land" is profoundly disappointing
Donut land doesn't last. After about 6 months of letting myself run free/wild, I started to experience the downswing of the once euphoric Donut Land. After 9 months, sugary coffees, donuts, and cake were boring. I was just eating them and it was pretty meh. It all came home to me when I decided to eat a brownie. I got revved up, excited, and went for it...and it was one of the most disappointing experiences in recent memory. It made me start to come down to planet earth again. If eating a fucking brownie had become actively disappointing (i threw it away, actually), something was seriously wrong with things. There was nothing wrong with the brownie...it was me that had a problem.
3) "Donut Land" must die
Donut land only exists because I had moralized these foods. What I mean by that is, I had labeled sugary foods as "bad" for all those 14 years, yet still longed for them. I dreamt about them. I had nightmares where I ate them uncontrollably but then became horrified that I'd given in and ruined everything.
When I let myself run free, these foods had just switched polarities and were amazing/perfect. The devil foods had become angelic.
But here's the thing...food isn't good or bad. It just is. There is no moral component to literally anything you eat. What you eat simply exists in the world. It's all about choice -- giving yourself the choice and responding/respecting what drives you, what your goals are. There is no "cheating"...there are only choices/consequences. This language subtly shifts motivation from being intrinsic (something you actively decide) to something extrinsic (something dictated/obeyed/reflexive). No wonder I had become apathetic/disconnected after 14 years of no sugar...and no wonder Donut Land ended up a monumental bore. They were two halves of a coin.
4) The Full Circle (for me)
I am actually really glad I explored things this last year, it helped me hit a reset on my motivations and perspective. You've gotta freshen up your reasons over time, or they just become rote/weak/fragile. I've decided to limit refined sugars from my diet again, but with more flexibility and with a newfound understanding.
- I want to eat foods that make me feel good
- I want my relationship with food to be healthy (no nightmares please)
- I want to include myself in celebrations / connecting with others
- I want to be kind to myself, not punitive/puritanical
- I want to respect the physical goals I'm currently engaged in
I have, since making this adjustment, not eaten a single donut in my office. That doesn't make me a good person. That doesn't make donuts "bad." I just wasn't truly interested in eating them after thinking about the "I want" statements above. Trust me, the reflex was there, but I observed it, gently questioned it, and realized that what I really wanted was to say "thanks, no thanks!" There was a time where I'd feel a sense of moral superiority from this kind of choice and I'm honestly happy that this is no longer how I think.
My wonderful Sister in Law had an engagement party a few weeks ago: I celebrated with her over a small slice of cake. That was a meaningful moment for me and I am so glad I got to fully share in the celebration. I didn't have to exclude myself out of any sense of penance. I thought about what I want...and made a choice.
It's been 2 months since limiting my diet again. I don't include sugar reflexively, it's not part of my normal day-to-day meal planning/prep. It's an option I can choose to accept/reject should it come up. This time, unlike the first, I do not have nightmares or preoccupied thoughts about it. It's not a struggle at all. In fact, I feel far more connected with my motivations/body than I have in a long time. There once was this...pressure around it, and the need to resist that pressure. It's gone now. And it's so much easier. And so much more sustainable. I enjoyed my time in Donut Land at first, but truly, honestly, I never want to be there again. It's a wonderful place where everything is exciting, but ultimately, disappointing.
This open-door approach may seem like a way someone could make excuses/exceptions to their goals. I understand that worry. But if you can't trust yourself with making choices, if you externalize your ability to live your life, you're building your own Donut Land. You're setting yourself up for empty goals that may ultimately fail. If the ability to intrinsically choose scares you (as it did me), just remember that fear is a door. You can let it hold you back, or pass through it to get to something awesome on the other side. For me, that's freedom. This has been a 15-year lesson that's resulted in a much greater sense of balance/kindness/progress/connection.
Anyway.
That's the...hole...story.
/fingerguns
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