A couple of weeks ago, I posted here about being just one pound away from my goal weight, after years of trying. Well tonight, I'm happy to say that though I'm still not there, I'll be trying to do better tomorrow.
I spent most of today feeling kind of "off". Nothing bad; I wasn't depressed, I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry or anything like that, just ya know - "off". So I decided tonight that I owed it to myself to treat myself to a nice, big, heaping bowl of pasta. Pasta is, always has been, and always will be my biggest weakness when it comes to food. When I'm around it, I can barely keep myself under control. Like a meth head looking for a fix, I need to find a way to get the the pasta into my body in the most expeditious way possible; that usually involves shoveling it down my face hole as fast as my body will allow, while chewing as little as I can without choking to death.
For this reason, I obviously avoid making pasta as often as I used to.
Well tonight, I thought to myself "just have half a bowl, save the rest for the next few meals". Yeah right, past me. Like that was going to happen.
After bowl one came bowl two. I did manage to make myself drink about 20oz of water after bowl two, which gave me enough of a break in eating that I was able to stop. I was bloated, and felt gross anyway. In the end, it wasn't much of a binge, maybe 1/3 - 1/2 of the box of pasta, but still, that was like 1,000 calories after sauce (at least), and much more than I usually (try) to eat in one sitting.
Then it happened. The feeling that we all know and dread. The overwhelming feeling of guilt. The feeling that you'll never be able to lost weight. That you'll never have the body you want. That you're just kidding yourself. You know the feeling, and if you don't, then I'm so, so happy for you.
Anyway, I picked up my phone to start browsing reddit like I normally do after finishing a meal, and I immediately started thinking of you guys. Everyone who has or is struggling to lose weight, either mentally or physically. I started thinking of every person who had a day just like I did today. Or last week. Or last month. Or will tomorrow.
Then I remembered something that I've heard, read, and said many, many times. When days like this happen, you have to be able to forgive yourself. That's what I would want you to do, so that's what I'm going to try to do.
Instead of finishing my binge, I'll be going to the mall to walk around for a while. While I'm out, I'll also be getting things for a nice grilled chicken salad for tomorrow and Sunday.
So once again, /loseit, thank you. You've helped me once again, so much more than you'll ever know.
The next time I post here, I'll be at my goal weight, and you'll be the ones responsible for it.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
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