I've done this before, I lost 40 pounds. I am 18 F 5'2". I went from 200lbs to 160 using CICO and eating 1200 cals a day. It wasn't as hard then.
Now I am back to 180 and i want to fucking cry. Being this short the weight definitely shows and I look terrible and feel terrible. I fell off for months and yesterday was the first day I tracked since I fell off. Today I planned on doing it again and finally getting on track. Before 3pm I was left with 180 calories. It feels like I am trapped.
Sadly, nothing felt better than binging, not having restrictions and just fucking going for it and eating whatever. It's literally euphoric for me. Sometimes it feels so good I wonder if I can be fine with being fat for my whole life, because I can NOT imagine eating like this forever on 1200 cals. The worst part is, when tracking, I Am CONSTANTLY thinking about food. I am always thinking about what I'll have next or when I get to eat or if I should just say fuck it and eat whatever. Not 2 minutes goes by before I think about food again.
But I know deep down I don't want that. I want to be active and thin and healthy. Wear cute clothes. Go out and have fun and not hate myself. What's wrong with me? How do I fix this? How do I get back on track.
Please help me. If you can relate, maybe we can help each other stay accountable. I'd be willing to chat!
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