About two years ago, I weighed 165lbs (I'm 5'7'') and moved to a different country for a yearlong work project. My life became much, much simpler, and I lost 20 lbs. I hadn't been that light and active for at least 5 years. While that may not seem like a long time for some, I'm in my late twenties and it felt very good to get back to my end of college weight. I bought some new clothes to celebrate, including a crop top, something I never felt comfortable wearing before. When I moved back to the US, my goal was to make it to 135lbs.
Well, that didn't happen. I had a lot of reverse culture shock. I went from working 35 hours a week back to working 60 to 70 (which I think was in large part responsible for my initial weight gain). I moved into a new house with my partner and was struggling to afford my portion of living expenses. I also started experiencing CPTSD after a repressed experience stopped being repressed. I've continued to have a very problematic relationship with my PhD advisor. Very quickly, I gained back 20 lbs. I felt awful. Like such a failure.
In January 2019, I started seeing a therapist. In May 2019, I started doing Krav Maga. In October 2019, I told one of my bosses (I work three jobs) that I wouldn't stay on past May 2020. By December 2019, I was down to 155 lbs and feeling very strong, but sad that I still wasn't 145lbs.
In February, I started doing personal training. I have no idea how I'll keep affording it, but I'm going to keep doing it as long as I can. I'm still 155lbs, but I've maintained that weight for months and, importantly, I have a lot more muscle now, which means I've lost a lot of fat if I'm still 155lbs.
On Friday, the weather was projected to be fairly warm. I was trying to decide what to wear and it dawned on me: maybe I can fit back into the cute boyfriend capri pants I bought while abroad. I hadn't been able to sit comfortably in them last summer so I packed them away, hoping one day I'd be fit again. I dug them out. THEY ARE TOO BIG. By maybe a size.
Then I thought, maybe the Madewell pants that couldn't even button fit in August will fit. I dug those out, slightly grateful I didn't donate them. THEY FIT. They are snug, but not too snug. I can sit comfortably in them, walk comfortably, bend over easily. It is excellent!
This moment caused me to think a lot about all of the progress I have made that the scale doesn't really show. By treating my mental health, I stopped binge eating and stopped sabatoging my fitness progress. By working out more, I helped treat my anxiety, got stronger, and made a lot of supportive friends. This, in turn, supported my mental health improvement.
I'm not longer concerned about a number on a scale. I'm still trying to "loseit" when it comes to fat, but I'm now focused more on what my body can do and how it looks.
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