21F / Height: 5'3" / HW: 241lbs / SW:229lbs / CW: 178lbs / GW: 130 lbs, possibly a little less
I don't want to go into too much detail about my whole journey this far to simply keep this post from getting too long. In case it's important, I've always been on the bigger side my whole life.
Back in December 2019, I decided to transition to a healthier lifestyle for my overall health, not just for weight related issues. I was recently stuck in the 180s a little longer than I would have liked and I feel like the 170s will be no different.
A few days ago, while in the low 180s, I was so upset not seeing the 170s yet when I weighed myself that I just started crying. The thoughts I had about myself were not at all pleasant, one of them being that I honestly feel a lot worse now than I ever did at my highest weight. No matter how many SV and NSV I see and how good I may feel in the moment, at the end of the day, I just end up with a number of self loathing thoughts that I should be or could be so much better/smaller.
This last week or so has not been great for me meal-wise. I have been eating whatever I want in greater portions than usual. I know I shouldn't eat this, I know I shouldn't eat that, and yet I still do. With everything that I've eaten within the last week, I know I have most likely gone back up into the 180s but I'm too nervous to weigh myself because I don't need another breakdown.
I don't really know what kind of responses I'm looking for but I just really need to share something with anyone.. I've been having such a difficult time continuing clean and I don't know how to stop myself from not only thinking about food, but falling back into mindlessly eating. I do not want that anymore for myself.
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