It hurts either way...

First of all, I fell off the wagon a while ago and lost faith in myself for a time and I haven’t fixed my stats yet so my flair is out of date in an unbelievably unflattering way... in any event, here’s my thing:

Last month I went on friendcation with a bunch of my favorite people. It was very fun and I enjoyed it a lot but there were moments that I felt just awful about myself: being seen in a bathing suit in the hot tub, not being able to get back on the tube during our river float, huffing and puffing and being red faced and sweating incredibly hard while on very short and frankly easy hikes from the car to a waterfall... The group wanted to go zip lining and I acted like I’d really rather not because I was literally 0.5lb too heavy for that activity per the weight limit on the company’s site. THAT one REALLY hurt. I was fed up with my body dictating what I can and can’t do. That’s supposed to be up to me, not the meat suit I wear! I wanted to take back control of my life and my physical well-being. But clearly I wasn’t doing it on my own.

I expressed all this to my very supportive, extremely fit and absolutely gorgeous best friend and she told me about how she had gotten really into spin classes and she talked it up so much I ended up joining her. I really enjoyed it a lot, and I’ve since gone again several times. I liked the positive change and I didn’t want to lose momentum so I also joined an athletic club, I met with a personal trainer and learned some safe techniques, I’ve taken a few yoga classes, and several more spin classes and I have been really proud of myself so far. It’s only been about a month, and I’ve done SOMETHING every weekend, usually spin on Saturday mornings and yoga on Sunday mornings, and I don’t expect to see results because I’m starting slow so I can build up some stamina. I’m trying to be very intentional. I’ve also had a lot of knee and ankle injuries in my 34 years (like. A LOT of knee and ankle injuries. It’s become something of a joke amongst my dearest friends that I just constantly fall, or twist ankles or sprain/dislocate knees) so I’m wary of going balls to the wall out the gate, I’m being very careful and mindful. I’ve been thoughtful and deliberately grateful for every ouch and drop of sweat because they’re badges I’ve earned. I want this to be a forever change, so I’m trying to romance myself into it...

The issues started breaking through my positive attitude with an irritation I got after a spin class-a very painful boil that was on my chest DIRECTLY where the underwire of my sports bra hit. (As many of you know: Big girls got big tiddies, and they’re heavy AF so that’s not something you can just skip wearing for a while, and before you suggest it-the bra fits me perfectly, I was fitted for it and it’s perfect but there just must have been something that was working against my skin under the underwire during class, I don’t know) so I couldn’t wear a bra at all without massive amounts of gauze just to provide cushion until the damn thing FINALLY drained and healed up... I thought: “that was really awful but par for the course, as I have just gotten back to fitness, I’ll count it as a badge of effort and keep on going.” It was gone, so I was in the clear!

Not so fast, buttercup.

Last week was the first time I went to the gym for a non-class related exercise since I was married 6 years ago, and I was proud of that. I took it easy and just spent 35 minutes fast walking on the treadmill on a very gentle incline (were talking 4 speed and 2 incline at the fastest/hardest moments, I listened to my body and adjusted as necessary) and after that I spent about 20 minutes on the spin bike there, doing very cautious sprints and a couple small hills. I threw a few taps in on the hills, nothing crazy. I felt good! And I wanted to do that again next week (aka this week) in addition to my weekend classes, maybe increase it by going a second day in addition to the weekend days on the week after, but per my usual typical BS luck I screwed up my foot, and I’ve been in pain ever since that mid week gym day.

After lots of googling I think I’ve got plantar fasciitis, so I’m taking anti inflammatories, icing and elevating it, I’m trying to stay off it and I massage it and I got some stability shoes and super feet insoles. I even got a pair of actual spin shoes because I’m NOT giving up something I enjoy just because I’m stuck in a shitty body. After hobbling around this weekend whenever I couldn’t stay off my foot, I’ve started feeling some old knee injuries twinging because of course limping has shifted the way I carry my weight and the stress I’ve put on my joints has changed over this weekend, I don’t remember where I’ve put the 5 or 6 various kinds of knee braces I’ve collected over the years (because of course I had to keep them all in one place together and that place is incredibly safe because who the hell knows where they are) and I’m just so over it!!!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve with this post, I guess the whole point of it is just that... I’m really frustrated. I’m not giving up or anything but I’m so so so so annoyed that when I was being inactive I hurt in so many ways and now that I am trying to be more active I still hurt in those old ways but also I hurt in new and exciting ways that feel like some kind of self flagellation. I’m gonna keep going because I’M the one at the controls here, I’M the main character in my story, I REFUSE to give in, but I’m really feeling the need to scream right now...

Have any of you gone through this? Where you start being active and trying to get in shape and you end up hurting over and over to the point that it feels like life is playing cruel jokes on you to try and make you quit or get back at you for trying? I just wish I could start over with new knees and ankles and feet... Because I’m getting kind of pissed off actually at how awful this has been so far. I utterly refuse to accept this crap but I can’t force my body to heal any faster, it takes how long it takes! I just want to PUNCH!!!

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