its been... a rough day. well, to be honest, last night was rough too. a couple weeks ago, i had decided to let my father know im getting top surgery this year (ftm transgender). he had said it makes him sick, and left it at that. last night, i woke up from a nap to texts telling me i was wrong and that hes sorry im so messed up. it isnt the first time ive heard this, but the words havent gotten much easier to swallow.
naturally, my first reaction was to go eat. i stopped myself, and acknowledged that 1) i wasnt even hungry, 2) i would only feel sick afterwards and 3) it was not a healthy way to deal with my emotions. so i stuck to what i had logged and woke up this morning, proud of myself. i ate my usual breakfast and lunch, and was itching to get my work out in.
until my brother showed up hammered midday. there was a lot of yelling (on his part) and eventually i got to hear all of the bad things about myself. this usually happens with him, like last week i was a waste of space with no future and was told not to forget to change my last name (hes unaccepting, my dad had said this last year). but again.. certain things dont get easier to hear. so i bit my tongue, and let him say what he had to say.
after he stormed out, i was left in a horrible mood. just.. fed up, with everything. its just a bad day. so i skipped my work out, and felt worse. and when it came time to cook dinner, i said fck it. i knew it wasn’t worth it, and i knew i didnt REALLY want to overeat or eat unhealthy stuff. i reminded myself that binging was not a way to cope. i thought about how sick i felt last time, and how close i am to my goal weight. and you know what? i said fck it anyway. so i ordered dominos. and jesus christ, did it taste amazing. but when i became full, i kept eating. and once i didnt feel that great, i had some chips ahoy anyway.
now im laying in bed, writing this, feeling disgusting. but, you know what? its okay. im human. i forgive myself. this isnt the first time, and it probably wont be the last. tomorrows a new day. so ill feel sick tonight, and ill feel gross for a day or two, and my weight will spike for two or three, but its okay.
ive still lost 31.2 lbs so far. im 3.4 lbs from my original goal weight and 8.4 lbs from the goal weight i had set a couple months ago; 13.4 lbs away from my new (and probably final) goal weight. i have my consult for top surgery in 51 days. i have a whole life ahead of me; four days of setback is nothing.
tomorrow will be better, and im excited for it.
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