July 1st, 2019. I have lost 55 pounds and everyone has noticed. I hit Wonderland. I feel good. My friends have come to visit for the month - damn near an entire month - and I am happy. We go to the first restaurant of many, many restaurants. I can hardly finish my food and I decline dessert. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach from how much food I ate.
September 2nd, 2019. I have gained back 5 pounds. Or 8 pounds. My scale isn't too sure, and neither am I. I have said goodbye to my friends. I have written another paper for publication. I welcome new people into my life. I indulge in Hot Girl Summer. I start therapy. I take a picture of myself in a bikini. I take many, many photos this summer. Most of them are of the places I have been to. Some are of myself. I am happy, mostly. I am eating far more than I have all year. I finish a meal I could have easily split in two and look around for dessert. My jeans are a bit tight. I notice my face jiggle slightly while I brush my teeth, and I recall how proud I was in July, when my face barely moved at all.
I vow to put new batteries in my scale. I add my lunch to MyFitnessPal. I tell the man who fought his way from Hot Girl Summer to Goth Girl Autumn that my eating will change around him. I resolve to do things differently.
Eating when miserable was comforting and easy to spot. Eating while happy - mostly happy - is insidious. The hunger doesn't come from pain, or, at least, not the same type of pain. Therapy helps me realize it is about control. Having so many good things at once makes me feel out of control. I worry for when the good things stop coming.
September 3rd, 2019. I am resolved, like I was a year ago, staring down 55 pounds and a totally different lifestyle. I know both sides of the "comfort eating coin" (and deep down, I hope so much it is only a coin, not a pyramid, not a cube).
I'll lose the 8 pounds, and then I'll lose 20 more. I will stare down another summer and reevaluate.
And, like the first time, I'll do it with your help. Back on it, y'all. Let's get this Goth Girl Autumn.
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