Hi everyone. My first ever post here after years of accountless lurking because I’d like your thoughts and people don’t seem to talk about this much.
For people with a former history of disordered eating who are scared of relapsing and have worked hard to achieve “normal”* eating habits, how do you balance the need for everything to be routine and balanced (omnivorous/ 3 meals a day or whatever normal is for you), with the need to actually change your eating habits in order to lose weight and get fitter? I feel like every time I try to alter my habits, up my activity or reduce my intake over the past 2 years, my body panics. The mental chatter and impulses to restrict/overeat come back again, and I end up stopping because I want everything to stay balanced and "routine".
A bit of backstory:
I'm 160cm - never been super overweight but enough for it to affect my self-esteem a lot. I went up to 74kg at my heaviest during 14 years of very disordered eating as a young teen into my 20s. In 2014 – 2017 I realized my relationship with food and eating was terrible, and finally got down to 55 by not snacking as often, eating three meals properly, intuitive eating (really listening to hunger and fullness signals), cooking for myself and running. I never got any professional help but just tried hard to work on myself to lose weight and get healthier habits. During this time, mental chatter about diets/exercise receded and I felt happier - sport became more fun and I was a little more confident in myself. Then my work schedule changed and I gained some back. Currently hovering around 62kg, and still running/training lightly 3 times a week. I’m worried my body is trying to get back to its former set point which was around 70kg for a long time as a teen.
During 2017 – 2019, every time I try to change up my diet or up my exercise routine, I feel my mind and body react really strongly. It’s like being hijacked. If I try to count calories, my brain tells me it’s pointless or not a “sustainable” lifestyle change. If I try intermittent fasting, a few weeks later I’ll start overeating/binging and feeling the impulse to restrict more, and have to stop. If I eat more protein and less carbs I get intrusive thoughts about how I shouldn’t deprive myself; that I need to be “normal” and eat without resting food groups. I feel like striving for “normalcy” for so long has made me resistant to positive lifestyle change. If you have any similar experiences or thoughts about how to overcome this I’d love to hear about it.
*My “normal”:
- Being generally ok with eating less or more food depending on how hungry I am/what’s on that day
- Eating everything (some in moderation) without cutting out food groups or having “bad” or “good” foods
- Eating generally healthily but not being overly obsessed
- Not having impulses to overeat/restrict
- Food, eating and exercise is just a part of life, not taking up 90% of my thoughts
- Eating 3 meals a day, and rarely snacking
- Adopting healthy eating/exercise as a lifestyle
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