I [24F] feel like I’m in crisis and I don’t know how to stop myself overeating

I feel like I’m in crisis with my weight. I’ll start with some background as I just feel like I need to get it off my chest:

I’ve always been overweight; I used to get bullied for it when I was younger, and now chubbiness is just a part of my personality. I’m always the funny one in the group, I’m always the girl who doesn’t mind embarrassing herself for a laugh etc.

I’m not massively overweight (as in, I don’t have a huge amount of kilos to lose in order to fit into a normal BMI range), but I am definitely carrying too much fat around my middle/belly etc. I’m about 80 kg at the moment.

Recently I’ve been going through a really stressful time. I finished college and have been trying to figure out what to do with my life. I’ve mainly been sitting around at my parents’ house eating junk food and feeling like shit.

Next week I am starting graduate school. I’m excited about this, but also feel really really underconfident in terms of my body image. I want nothing more than to be 65 kg, but I just don’t know how to get there.

I exercise pretty regularly (some weightlifting, I ran a half marathon on the weekend etc.) but I just eat SO much. I calculated today’s calories for example and I’ve had about 3,000. And this was just a normal day for me!

I have tried dieting in the past. My friends and family will joke that I’m ‘always on a diet.’ And this just makes me feel really depressed. I am always on a diet, but I’m always gaining weight. I can’t stick to a caloric deficit when I live in my parents’ house. I’m surrounded by food all day and I make excuses for myself every evening (e.g. it’s OK, I’ll start again tomorrow...)

I’m shocked and angry with myself. All of my clothes are too tight. My family have binge eating problems and obesity issues. Does anyone have any advice about how I can get out of this rut? How on earth do you change habits you’ve had for a lifetime? How do you stop yourself from feeling depressed and angry? I can’t go on like this anymore.

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