Tl:dr - this basically should be a journal entry but I don’t have anywhere else to put it.
I’ve been through a lot (some very good and some pretty terrible) over the last few years. I have always kind of struggled with my weight, as I’m the small one in my family and everyone else has also struggled with their weight and disordered eating. I’ve always gotten a lot of attention as the small pretty one who was really going places. I just was that person, and I believed it about myself. I then had a few traumatic experiences after high school, and I struggled with depression and really packed on the pounds. I’ve sort of been stuck in that head space since. I flirted with an eating disorder in college in an attempt to go back to who I was before. I started getting all of the attention again, met my now husband, and time went on.
I gained weight again in graduate school. I cringe when I look at my wedding photos because instead of seeing the joy of the day, all I can see is my fatness. So sad! Gained even more weight after the wedding as husband and I ate and drank and partied constantly. Got pregnant, gained more. Had the baby. Got serious and lost about 25 pounds- was feeling pretty good again! Then pregnant again. Had the baby. Great babies, love them. Have had a very rough 7 months since #2 was born, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially.
Anyway, I’m here again. Same bad feelings surrounding my appearance. But I really want to do this differently this time. I really do want to do this for me. I want to be healthy. I want to be a fun mom that does things with her kids. I want my children to be healthy and to love themselves and to not hold back from doing cool things because they’re self-conscious. I want my outside to better match my inside, and I really feel like a fuller version of me is finally coming back up to the surface.
Anyway. Just some thoughts as I’m going through this process yet again, reflecting on the “why” I’m trying to lose weight again. I’m wanting to see this as a healing process, not just a vanity project. I’m easily discouraged. But I don’t want to be! I wish all of you well in your journeys as well.
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