Longish rant coming up, but even though likely no one will see this I'll make some things clear now:
- I've only been seeing this therapist since October 2019
- There are several positive aspects of therapy with her which is why I haven't decided to leave just yet, despite this issue getting on my nerves
So I started seeing this therapist after leaving my old one when I felt I wasn't making any more progress. She specialized in trauma, body image, and eating disorders. Great! I've struggled with all. I used to be bulimic, am not anymore, and haven't been a diagnosable bulimic in quite awhile. Last year I gain a TON of weight through stress eating as I hated my former job and the other parts I liked were my coworker friends who were all overweight and constantly had food. I am now 100 lbs overweight and struggling to lose without reverting back to bulimia as I had never been able to steadily lose weight before and just broke and decided to stop eating one day.
I went to therapy to try to find someone to help me get through this. Instead, I'm now in a situation where I'm constantly being dissuaded from the desire to lose weight and it's pissing me off! All of my understandable frustrations are being turned into something else. Frustration over being uncomfortable with my appearance is really just because my mom was neglectful. Being uneasy out in certain public spaces where I have historically met people who mock, stare, or even outwardly harass is really stemming from childhood abuse. The mere desire to lose weight is always because of something bad that happened to me in the past. I've spent sooooo much time feeling like I have to justify simply wanting to be a healthy weight to the point where I'm getting stressed out.
Even more, she seems to have this totally unrealistic idea of what I can be doing right now. She's totally fine with me adding more fitness to my life but glazes over the fact that at 30+ years old and over 100lbs. heavier that I gained quite quickly while having bad knees, I'm not all that able to do certain things. She presented this HAES ideal to me and keeps trying to push all these instagram accounts to follow on me, which I immediately told her I was against (and I know the Health vs Healthy misconstruction but she's in favor of the misconstruction), as if the goal is to get me to stop caring about losing weight and focus solely on being happy.
But why can't losing weight be a part of being happy? Why can't she realize that in order to get more fit and work out more I need to be losing weight as well or else I'm risking injuring my already aching knees? Why the hell do I have to justify wanting to do something that's not bad for me (especially when I have every intention on doing it in a healthy way)? Why the fuck can't I just want to look hot again, and wear my cute clothes, and not want to live a social life that's on hard mode, and find fitter partners that want to live more active lifestyles? Am I truly the crazy one here? I don't get why I'm getting so much pushback and lack of support for something that most people seem to agree is good for your health, your mind, and longevity. I'm starting to feel like I should quit therapy and see a diet coach or something for the positive support I crave.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3bNW7rX
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