I have been wanting to post this for a while but never got around to it until quarantine has left me with nothing else to do rather then browse reddit for hours. I was never the "skinny" kid, although I was involved in competitive sports from grade 3 onwards. By the time I was in grade 7 I was 20lbs underweight, training 24 hours a week as a national level swimmer, and restricting my calories in such a way that I would only eat a small breakfast before school, and then a small dinner after training. My mother was asked by other parents how I lost so much weight and that I looked "Anorexic" but she, herself being overweight, didn't really listen to this concern, and I continued with my unhealthy habits. I eventually quite my sport when I was in grade 11 but stayed active by joining recreational programs so I gained some weight, but it wasn't that bad.
In the past I tried to go to gym to stay in shape but it always became unhealthy and obsessive. There was a point where I would track my calories and weigh myself every day (not that this was unhealthy, but the manner that I used it was unhealthy). At points I would track my breakfasts to be under 200 calories and I vividly remember measuring out Alphagetie (of all things), being as accurate as possible. I would then intentionally avoid lunch, eating antacids to quell my hunger, and strive myself till dinner. This period of time was the last time I weight myself as a teenager.
This obsessive behaviour started again every time I tried to be more physically active, which eventually lead me to stop working out. In my first year of university I gained the classic freshmen fifteen (or there about). In my second year I went vegetarian and developed a strict diet to lose weight including no chips, pop or junk food. It worked, at least for a little while. However, it was still unhealthy, at points i would go days without eating or drinking. At one point I remember my one pair of jeans being too big that I would have to constantly pull them up. But by the end of the academic year (which was emotionally exhausting) I meet my boyfriend. We indulged in junk food and bad decisions that summer, at points we would eat an entire ice cream pizza from DQ in one sitting. And this habit of bad decision continued when we moved in together in September. I tried a few times to start working during this period, but I became obsessive again, exercising to the point of fainting or vomiting. So i just continued with my behaviour, often binge eating at night and then doing the minimal amount of effort. I would even get my boyfriend to grab me food from the kitchen (I was to lazy to even get it myself).
But about a year ago I got fed up. I had started avoiding social gatherings, I had no self confidence, I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror, and I avoided all photographs (even though I ran a photography club). I didn't even want to my boyfriend of 2 years to touch me. I don't know what snapped, but one night I went to bed thinking, "I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow" and then the next day too. It took me about 2 months for me to finally stand not the scale at the gym, and I immediately got in my car and cried on the phone to my boyfriend and my mom. I was expecting to be around 190lbs, maybe 200, but i never imagined I would be 266.6lbs. I couldn't believe I had gained so much weight, and tbh, today I'm still astonished.
Since then, my main priority has to been to lose weight without returning to my restrictive tendencies. I worked with my boyfriend to monitor my behaviour, to ensure I ate throughout the day and didn't become obsessive with calories. This was extremely helpful at the beginning. Additionally, as a psych major, I was actually in a class that involved changing a behaviour for the period of the course and writing a paper on it. This process allowed me to observe my current and previous behaviour from an objective perspective. Additionally, it allowed me to develop strict guidelines to prevent me from restricting again. Essentially, I did a scientific study on myself.
At first I would have a cheat day once a week, but I eventually stoped doing this after a few months as I felt it encouraged my habit of binge eating, and have now including all type of food in my diet. For me personally, I fast until around noon, when I eat my first meal (although i have coffee and sometimes some fruit before then), I then have my next meal or snack around 3, and then dinner at 7pm often having a few snacks, like Crispers or chocolate or some homemade baked goods (sometime all of the above). I track my calories, sticking to around 1500. Additionally, I spent a long period of time educating myself on nutrition, which has helped immensely.
Prior to quarantine I worked out 5 times a week, doing resistance training and the occasional HIIT, for about an hour occasionally attending yoga. When COVID started, I stopped going to the gym (as I have a compromised immune system) and for 2 months just maintained. Although I tracked my calories continually throughout, sticking to about 1700. About to weeks ago I started working out again at home, doing IG live workouts (30-45min) and yoga (about 1-1.5 hours a day). I’ve slowly started losing again, but I am excited to get to go back to gym on Monday.
I hope this helps someone who has been in similar situations as me, because when I started I never found anything similar to what i had been though. Just don’t give up, you can do it!
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