I resent thin people.
I had that realization just today actually. That feeling's always been there, but I never really named it before now or chose to call it out.
I went to the store today for some much needed groceries (didn't buy a single processed, boxed item if we aren't counting my small jar of Nutella!). While I'm driving there, I pass a Dairy Queen. I'm suddenly hit with the STRONGEST craving for a strawberry shake. I could have stopped and gotten one. It was already 1 PM and I was only at 450 calories for the day, so I could have easily worked it into my calorie budget. However, I made a deal with myself that if I really wanted a strawberry shake, I'd make one when I got home.
So as I get my good-for-me groceries, I head to the ice cream aisle to get some strawberry Halo Top.
I freeze for a second as I head down the aisle.
My gaze is immediately drawn to the shorts, then the tank top, then the flat stomach.
There was a thin woman in the aisle with me and she was staring down some Ben & Jerry's.
I immediately and irrationally disliked her.
Let me be clear: that's not a good thing, but there it was. I didn't like this stranger. Why? Well, I noticed a few things as I reflected later after leaving her vicinity:
- She was wearing shorts in public and wasn't constantly tugging them down to keep them over her thighs.
- Her mask fit on her face better than mine did, and I hadn't realized that my mask sat a bit differently than other people's.
- She was staring at ice cream. Not the healthy stuff I was looking at (okay, healthy-ish), just regular ice cream. She wasn't embarrassed. She didn't feel a need to grab the ice cream and race away from the freezer before anyone could see her. She was just... normally grabbing normal ice cream.
I wanted to be her. That's when I really realized why I resented thin people. It felt like they could do things I couldn't and didn't have to be embarrassed of those things. I'm not saying any of that's true - that's just how my jealous, upset brain saw things.
It felt good in the moment walking around the grocery store to finally be honest with myself about this. I have, for YEARS, resented and hated thin people without even knowing them just because they made me feel inferior by being what I wanted to be.
And up until now, I hadn't chosen to confront those feelings so I continued allowing myself to feel that way.
As I weighed out some plums, I felt good. Not by how I'd treated thin people in the past, but by the fact that I could now put a metaphorical face to those feelings and actually do something about them.
I know none of the anger I felt came out of genuine hatred - it just came out of jealousy and desire, but I feel guilty over it regardless. It feels good that I can start changing that, though.
Usually when I check out, I choose the biggest cashier I can. I feel more comfortable around larger people. I worry thin cashiers will judge me for my groceries.
Today, I chose a thin cashier.
Tomorrow, I'll do a little bit better than that.
I also wanted to spend some time posting some random updates! I want to try posting almost daily. Again, I'm still being selfish, this isn't for you. It's for me. I NEED this. Daily posting feels like a way to help force accountability - and it forces me to reflect. All good things! I'm happy to have you along, though! <3
I weighed myself today, as I mentioned in yesterday's post I would. I unfortunately underestimated and my official starting weight is 267.2.
I'll be honest, that was a scary number to see. I think this is the biggest I've been. I don't know what I weighed three weeks ago, or if I weigh less now than I did then, but that's okay. Because I can feel the changes these few weeks have made.
Thanks to some kind comments, I decided I will weigh myself daily. Someone put it in really good perspective for me yesterday. It's just data. It's just data that will help me see trends. If it goes up that day, that's okay, because the data is useful.
I also loved the idea another user had (sorry I don't have all of your usernames, there were SO MANY COMMENTS) about trying one new healthy recipe a week. Last week I made a sesame chicken thing that honestly wasn't very good, but that's okay. This week I'll try something new, and I'll be sure to mention it in the relevant update.
Also, last important bit of info: I love swimming. If you remember, I mentioned setting up a pool for my mom. Well she hasn't used it yet, but I sure have. I haven't swam in years (too scared to go to public pools) and I forgot how gentle it is on you. I was out there for a good hour, and it never once felt like exercise. I do think My Fitness Pal is lying to me about burning 400 calories out there leisurely swimming, but I feel a tiny bit sore now. In a really good way.
I wanted to eventually incorporate bodyweight workouts in with the daily walking, but I was scared of adding too much too soon. However, I think I may start swimming daily (ish) instead for now. It never once felt like exercise out there, so I'm less worried about it feeling like a chore.
And one final update: Outshine Popsicles are the best things I've ever had. Low-calorie and they COMPLETELY fill my ice cream cravings. I've had some Cookies and Cream Halo Top in the freezer for weeks now because I just don't eat it - I eat popsicles instead. If you have a bad ice cream habit, seriously, try 'em.
Day 15 down - walking and swimming and under my calorie goal for the day.
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