Ok this is just going to be a stream of consciousness type post since I wanted to write down what I’m thinking and feeling.
I love food and everything about it, cooking and eating it. I don’t mind doing lots of dishes if that means I get to eat delicious food. If it was up to me I would eat at a new restaurant every day but that’s obviously not realistic due to budget constraints.
Well my love of food has led me to have a lot of issues with gaining weight. Thankfully I’ve never gotten to the point of being overweight but I definitely tend to be heavier than average and I put on weight rather quickly if I don’t watch what I eat. I’m no stranger to dieting. I first started about 3-4 years ago and am still at it now due to constant yo-yo-ing. The good news is that this time around, I can see myself actually getting to my goal in a sustainable way (5 lbs left...so close!).
Anyway now that I’m getting close to my maintenance range I’ve been thinking about what my food habits will be after I reach my goal. I’m glad I’ll be able to eat more, but sometimes I feel like this greater leeway will cause me to stop caring and start eating whatever I want again, which will start the yo-yo cycle once more. But, I also don’t want to be watching what I eat so carefully for the rest of my life. That sounds exhausting.
I know there’s a thing called “intuitive eating” but to be honest I have not experienced that once in my adult life. I feel like I’m constantly in a state of overeating (because I just love the unhealthiest foods) and undereating to lose the weight I gained.
If you look at my diet from an outside perspective it’s very healthy and balanced, mostly whole foods with a few treats here and there. But on the inside, it’s quite saddening to know that there are certain foods I will have to avoid if I want to maintain my weight. Like I’ll have to order salad instead of french fries as a side, not eat nachos as an appetizer, or have cheesecake for dessert.
Of course there are exceptions but I’m talking about making healthy choices consistently for the rest of my life. And it’s not that I won’t be able to do that, but that I’ll always be unhappy not being able to indulge myself whenever I want. Ultimately though, I think that gaining weight would make me unhappier (in a different way) so that seems like the only path for me to take. No matter how healthy I seem from the outside, I will always have the urge to choose the unhealthy route, which I’ll have to constantly suppress.
It seems like the people around me have no problem doing this. They can eat what they want without gaining weight, because “what they want” is not excessive amounts of unhealthy foods. And when they do have some, they’re satisfied with what they have and aren’t left with the feeling of wanting more.
I know I have the power to make healthy choices, but my instinct to be unhealthy will always be there, nagging me. Can anybody relate? Is there hope after all, or is this something you just have to deal with, forever?
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