This past month, work has been a fucking nightmare, which greatly negatively impacts my mental health. And when my mental health is shit, I eat like shit. More specifically, I go on straight autopilot and binge until I feel like I could vomit at any minute. I’ve always struggled with overeating, and have even binged before, but the episodes I’ve had lately are the most severe I’ve ever experienced. I black out and I eat so much that I can’t even sleep at night because my stomach is so full. I truly can’t even remember everything I ate. During all this, I’ve also barely been keeping up with my workouts; going about 2 times a week, instead of my usual 4-5.
Work has still been terrible but I finally clawed myself out of the bingeing mode that I’ve been in for the last 2-3 weeks and haven’t had an episode since Monday. It’s now Friday, my eating habits have been normal (not exactly super “healthy,” but normal in that I’m consuming 1300-1600 calories per day). I told myself to give it a few days before step back onto the scale since whatever damage I’d done would look even worse the morning right after due to sodium, water weight, bloating and whatnot.
So it’s 4 days post-binge. I’m nowhere near getting period and I’m not PMSing. So when I stepped on the scale today and saw that I now weigh 184 pounds (I was 175 a month ago), I knew those 9 pounds are 9 pounds of genuine fat due to the sheer number of calories I’ve consumed in the last few weeks.
The thing is... I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to feel. I’ve been 175-177 pounds for the majority of 2019, so it hurts to see that I’m back into the 180’s. It hurts even more to know what I put my body through. I’m not confident enough to say that I won’t binge anymore. Truth is, I don’t feel mentally steady at all.... it’s almost like I’m a house of cards and all it’ll take is one swift breeze to knock me over, even though I had every intention to remain strong and stay standing. I’m trying my damndest to not fucking berate myself because that would be the opposite of helpful.
I want so badly to get back to losing weight and to get back to 175. Before all this, I typically stuck to a calorie limit of 1200-1300 per day. But at this point, I consider any day without a binge to be a victory... whether I consume 1200 calories or 1800. I’m afraid that going back to restricting right now will also unintentionally trigger a binge too. Everything seems so delicate.
I’m not quite sure why I’m writing and posting this, either. I guess I just needed to get it all off my chest. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.
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