I am a 20 year old female. I’m 5’0 and just weighed myself for the first time in a while. I feel devastated. I am officially 173.8 lbs, which makes me obese according to my BMI. For someone as short as me, this is very unhealthy. This is the largest I have ever been. I have been struggling with a long lasting depressive episode and I tend to binge eat and indulge in comfort foods when i’m depressed and uncomfortable or bored. I don’t exercise at all and I don’t do much because I have little to no energy or motivation due to the depression and the heavy medications I take (antipsychotic and SNRI).
I have been skinny before. I lost 40 pounds in about 8 months and I wish more than anything to be small again. I was happier, people treated me better, and I was more confident. The weird thing is that I did nothing to lose as much weight as I did. Cigarettes probably contributed as well as my ADHD medication and the heartbreak I went through that made me experience loss of appetite. Other than that, I can’t think of anything I did differently. I guess I walked around some. I want to be that skinny girl again. But I know that people who tend to gain, lose, and then gain weight again have a hard time losing weight. It’s called “yo yo dieting.”
Right now I am too insecure about my weight to leave the house and join in social gatherings because I am fat and I know everyone is thinking it. I have struggled with my body for as long as I can remember. And I struggle with a weird type of body dysmorphia that makes me see myself in the mirror as skinnier than I actually am. But when I look at pictures of myself I am flabbergasted by reality. It’s like my brain is tricking me into looking skinnier just so I can cope. Man, human brains are powerful.
I was rejected by a guy I had a thing with and I am convinced it was because he thought I was unattractive due to my weight. I started restricting my poor food choices just days ago and I’ve been thinking about going to the gym again. I need to go. I believe that if I lose weight I will be happier and healthier. The depression just gets in the way. It’s a horrible cycle. Depression kills my motivation and feeds into my unhealthy eating habits. Then I get depressed all over again because of it.
I’m looking for support right now. I don’t have a therapist, my mom is in rehab so I can’t burden her with my problems. My best friend has heard it all before and I’m not super close with the rest of my family. Some nice words of wisdom would be helpful. I could really use the inspiration right now. Any thoughts on what I should do to try and lose weight? Any helpful hints on how to work on loving myself in the meantime? Would be greatly appreciated. I know this isn’t the feel-good story that’s usually posted in this community, but I don’t know where else to go.
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