Weird title, I know, but I had to share.
A few years ago, I had an eating disorder. I was eating very, very little, and had a very low BMI. This only lasted for 9 months, however, because around Halloween that year, I began to binge. I binged my way back to my starting weight (quite thin anyway) and way past it. And this whole time, I was struggling with wanting to be super-super-skinny, to never eat again, to get that control back. I couldn’t stop. I developed the habit of eating more than I needed or even wanted, and often found myself in the kitchen eating 15+ cookies, for no discernible reason. There absolutely were days where I ate so much I threw up.
I was never diagnosed, but I’m fairly certain I swung all the way from anorexia to binge eating disorder in the span of a few months. And this lasted for over a year. When I tell you I tried everything under the sun (except a therapist), I am not lying. I just had no idea why I kept going to the kitchen as if I were a robot. Being hungry was as much an emergency as having a limb cut off would’ve been.
Anyway, it’s been a while since then. The last time I frantically raided a pantry or fridge was probably November. I don’t know what I changed about my lifestyle. Maybe it was becoming a gym rat. Maybe it was reminding myself that if I am not hungry, I don’t have to eat. Maybe it’s Maybelline. But being hungry is just no longer an emergency. I was at my highest weight in March (partially due to working out daily, I’m sure), but I’ve lost 5 lbs since then! And I’ve done it in a healthy, slow way. It’s frustrating to see the scale change at such a sluggish pace, but still rewarding.
I can now proudly say that when I don’t want to finish the food on my plate, I just don’t. And more importantly, I don’t hate the body I have, and I no longer fantasize about being a walking sack of bones :)
(This post was inspired by that Haribo gummy bear post.)
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