For the entire month of June, I decided to make sure that I could maintain my weight loss (down now to 90kg from 127kg (started losing Aug 2019 after a move and starting focusing on losing starting Dec 2019) before attempting to go further just to make sure it was sustainable for me. I was able to do that. I have been sitting between 89.5 and 90.5 kg all month (even though my food tracking took a nosedive near the beginning). I am very proud of that, but I definitely slipped up a lot this month because even with my 36-hour fasts, I still ate enough to maintain and now I'm worried I won't be able to slip back into the losing mindset I'd had for so long.

I've also taken this month to appreciate the damage being at my heaviest did to my skin and part of me is just wishing that I'd gain it all back because at least then it wasn't like putting my fingers in freshly proofed bread dough when I touched my thighs and my ass didn't sag. Don't get me wrong, I feel amazing and I know that I've worked hard to get where I am but at the same time, I have a hard time seeing myself in the mirror or naked (which is how I get through the summers here, lol) because I just have folds and flaps now. I have stretch marks that are now becoming visible on my knees and that was a whole afternoon of just staring and poking that I'll never get back.

I have body dysmorphia and, although therapy helped a lot to enable me to develop coping mechanisms, I feel like I'm backsliding into that mindset again that I've lying to myself about how I look. When I was heavier, I didn't see how heavy I was (It didn't help before I gained all the weight I was wearing clothes that would fit me when I did gain all the weight) and now that I'm not as heavy I don't really think I've made much progress because if I was wrong before I'm wrong again.

The last time I was at the weight I am now I was 19 or so (29 now) and it's hard to want to acknowledge all the issues I've put myself through because I'd been taught that I was exactly how I was supposed to be (there is a lot of things behind this sentiment that was mental and emotional abuse disguised as 'motherly love') and I know I shouldn't obsess over what I look like but it's hard when I've seen it most of the day because, well, I live in it.

One-Punch Month is also coming up and while I don't think I've got the cardio for a 10km run every day (and I hate running because my knees are terrible) but I finally think I'm at a weight where the workouts won't have me in tears and in intense pain every day. But I'm also nervous about starting because of the issues I had with it in the past. I just needed a vent and I appreciate everything this sub does to support people.

Thanks a lot everyone.

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